walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize