Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
