We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
