checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
