living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize