so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We left the knife in your bed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
