ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
