Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
