My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
