I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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