i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
