theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
