Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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