you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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