the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
