My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
