I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
