Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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