She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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