Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
