U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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