do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
