At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
