You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
COCAINE IS GR8
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
