sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
