Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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