your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
