i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
