You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
