I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
