sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
