Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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