so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
