She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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