you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
