I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
