We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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