It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You may now shotgun with the bride
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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