Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
