So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've blown a few things in my day
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You ruined the universe
Randomize
