this beer tastes like vomit already
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
