When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize