I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
