how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
