I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
