Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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