the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
