She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
