Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
