News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
