im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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