Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
