I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
