I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My pussy is not your playground.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
