Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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