I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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