I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
