Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize