I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
