i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
