My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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