My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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