Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
