I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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