I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
